Top 52 Quotes of Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Dave Barry

We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Dave Barry

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Dave Barry

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Dave Barry

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Dave Barry

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’

Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Dave Barry

I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Dave Barry

I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.

Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Dave Barry

Guys are simple… women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Dave Barry

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Dave Barry

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Dave Barry